Thursday, March 11, 2004
Family Values
I have no homework tonight. And it's not that I don't have very much homework to speak of. I literally have no homework. And today is my day off from the gym. I got home at 2:00 and didn't know what to do. So I took a nap. Mom and I went to Costco when she got home, mostly to kill time but kind of because she wanted to look for new electric toothbrush heads. When ended up spending nearly $200; Costco will do that to you. And then we came home and had dinner, and I talked to Ethel for ten minutes or so on the phone; she's coming over for dinner on Sunday. And that's been my day so far. (So far? Yeah, because, you know, so much more stuff is going to happen to me today...)
So here's a relatively interesting story. After we had packed our $200 worth of Costco stuff into Mom's car, this old man came up to us and asked if we could help him find his car. It was a red Toyota Camry. Costco has these orange street lamps in their lot, and I'll spare you the physics of it but colors other than orange look mostly black in orange light. And I swear there was a Camry in every other space in that parking lot. Plus, the man thought he was parked in a completely different section than he was. I felt really bad for him though, because apparently his dog was in the car and he was really worried about him. But he had at least two other people out searching for him, so we finally found it. So that's a happy ending.
As I left my Dad's house for Mom's today after school, there was a cop in the complex talking to this kid with a mohawk. One of the residents must have called the police to report one of the groups of smoking kids that tend to hang out just inside the complex just so people won't see them. Whoops. But maybe now they'll stop hanging around there...I always feel like they're going to run over and beat me up when I walk past. Hooray for going to the gym.
I was featured today in the Rancho Bernardo News Journal today. They do this thing where they put a picture of a student from each of PHS, MCHS, and RBHS every week and summarize their accomplishments. So that's kind of cool.
I had a really good day today, actually. But I'm not really in a good mood right now. I'm not getting along so well with my parents. Not that I'm fighting with them, but I'm feeling a combination of anger and guilt and...well, I don't really know what. But I don't know who to go to with all this so I'm going to write this here so everyone and their mother can read it. So here goes: I've always put my Mom's address and phone number as mine on legal forms and stuff to try to simplify living in two places; all my report cards and college letters and everything else comes to Mom's house. Dad apparently feels that Mom doesn't care enough to send these things along to him so he can stay up-to-date on my life. I told him about me being in the newspaper and he was more annoyed that he hadn't known about it ahead of time like Mom and I had than he was happy for me for being in the newspaper. I feel horrible for hurting his feelings, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do, especially since I'm pretty sure I told him, way back in August when I found out, that I was going to be in the paper. Dad doesn't even get the News Journal. What can I do? He also seems heartbroken when I go to the gym with Dave. It's not that I'm replacing Dad with Dave, but Dave knows a lot about lifting. Why shouldn't I go with him? It makes sense. But now I feel like crap when I do go with Dave. I even try to hide the fact that I go with Dave from Dad. I can't believe I have to do that. And recently Dad's been feeling as though Mom has been trying to influence my college choice (which I'll get to in a minute) and he's been constantly pointing out how she's being selfish. Even if that's true, I don't want to hear all about my mother's faults. So that's that. Now to my mother. She's trying to influence my college choice. She doesn't want me to go far from home, so her obvious choice is Cal Poly. But it's not that she prefers me to go there; rather it's that I almost don't have a choice but to go there. She actually told me that she didn't think it would be neat if I got into MIT. How big of an accomplishment would it be for me to get into MIT, and now I can't even enjoy it if I do. Then she gets a little angry when I protest her not letting me choose where I want to go. So I feel absolutely guilty. This is supposed to be about where I want to go and what is best for me.
I don't like that I feel this way. I love my parents. I feel so horrible about putting this on the internet but I just can't keep it inside anymore. Dad, I'm sorry that you don't get much of my mail. Truth be told, there isn't a whole heck of a lot of it. I'd love for you to get it all, but I didn't choose to live in a different house every night. Mom, I love you and I always will. I will still love you if I go to school in Indiana or Michigan or Massachusetts. I'll always call. I'll come home at every break. But please let me make this decision based on what I want and what I think will benefit me the most, not on what I think will disappoint you the least. There. Mom and Dad, I love you both, and I wish you loved each other so that we could be a family. I'm sorry the divorce makes it tougher for me to please both of you.
So now I feel like yelling and screaming and crying and being hugged until it all goes away and I can live my life like a normal person might. But I just can't do any of that right now.
And that's how it goes.
Josh
mood: depressed
music: Jug Blues & Fat Pickin' - Don Freund
location: Mom's house
So here's a relatively interesting story. After we had packed our $200 worth of Costco stuff into Mom's car, this old man came up to us and asked if we could help him find his car. It was a red Toyota Camry. Costco has these orange street lamps in their lot, and I'll spare you the physics of it but colors other than orange look mostly black in orange light. And I swear there was a Camry in every other space in that parking lot. Plus, the man thought he was parked in a completely different section than he was. I felt really bad for him though, because apparently his dog was in the car and he was really worried about him. But he had at least two other people out searching for him, so we finally found it. So that's a happy ending.
As I left my Dad's house for Mom's today after school, there was a cop in the complex talking to this kid with a mohawk. One of the residents must have called the police to report one of the groups of smoking kids that tend to hang out just inside the complex just so people won't see them. Whoops. But maybe now they'll stop hanging around there...I always feel like they're going to run over and beat me up when I walk past. Hooray for going to the gym.
I was featured today in the Rancho Bernardo News Journal today. They do this thing where they put a picture of a student from each of PHS, MCHS, and RBHS every week and summarize their accomplishments. So that's kind of cool.
I had a really good day today, actually. But I'm not really in a good mood right now. I'm not getting along so well with my parents. Not that I'm fighting with them, but I'm feeling a combination of anger and guilt and...well, I don't really know what. But I don't know who to go to with all this so I'm going to write this here so everyone and their mother can read it. So here goes: I've always put my Mom's address and phone number as mine on legal forms and stuff to try to simplify living in two places; all my report cards and college letters and everything else comes to Mom's house. Dad apparently feels that Mom doesn't care enough to send these things along to him so he can stay up-to-date on my life. I told him about me being in the newspaper and he was more annoyed that he hadn't known about it ahead of time like Mom and I had than he was happy for me for being in the newspaper. I feel horrible for hurting his feelings, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do, especially since I'm pretty sure I told him, way back in August when I found out, that I was going to be in the paper. Dad doesn't even get the News Journal. What can I do? He also seems heartbroken when I go to the gym with Dave. It's not that I'm replacing Dad with Dave, but Dave knows a lot about lifting. Why shouldn't I go with him? It makes sense. But now I feel like crap when I do go with Dave. I even try to hide the fact that I go with Dave from Dad. I can't believe I have to do that. And recently Dad's been feeling as though Mom has been trying to influence my college choice (which I'll get to in a minute) and he's been constantly pointing out how she's being selfish. Even if that's true, I don't want to hear all about my mother's faults. So that's that. Now to my mother. She's trying to influence my college choice. She doesn't want me to go far from home, so her obvious choice is Cal Poly. But it's not that she prefers me to go there; rather it's that I almost don't have a choice but to go there. She actually told me that she didn't think it would be neat if I got into MIT. How big of an accomplishment would it be for me to get into MIT, and now I can't even enjoy it if I do. Then she gets a little angry when I protest her not letting me choose where I want to go. So I feel absolutely guilty. This is supposed to be about where I want to go and what is best for me.
I don't like that I feel this way. I love my parents. I feel so horrible about putting this on the internet but I just can't keep it inside anymore. Dad, I'm sorry that you don't get much of my mail. Truth be told, there isn't a whole heck of a lot of it. I'd love for you to get it all, but I didn't choose to live in a different house every night. Mom, I love you and I always will. I will still love you if I go to school in Indiana or Michigan or Massachusetts. I'll always call. I'll come home at every break. But please let me make this decision based on what I want and what I think will benefit me the most, not on what I think will disappoint you the least. There. Mom and Dad, I love you both, and I wish you loved each other so that we could be a family. I'm sorry the divorce makes it tougher for me to please both of you.
So now I feel like yelling and screaming and crying and being hugged until it all goes away and I can live my life like a normal person might. But I just can't do any of that right now.
And that's how it goes.
Josh
mood: depressed
music: Jug Blues & Fat Pickin' - Don Freund
location: Mom's house
