Saturday, November 13, 2004
Banished, and Banished Again
My plan of going to bed early on Thursday night so that Friday wouldn't be miserable failed. Kevin came home just about the time I was getting into bed, about 11:15. He set up his stuff at his desk and started doing homework. I asked him how long he thought he'd be up and he guessed about 12:30. So I asked him if he wouldn't mind moving out into the common room. He said he didn't mind, because I was making sacrifices for him this weekend. I felt pretty guilty after that so I went back out there to tell him I could try to sleep through it if he wanted to use his desk; he declined and said he'd be fine in the common room. Oh well. The whole issue turned out to be moot anyway because a whole heck of a lot of people (who I assume ditched class Friday to have a four-day weekend) were up until 2 playing some kind of game that involved chucking a tennis ball around and screaming.
So yeah, Friday was pretty miserable.
I did get a chance to nap after my physics lab, as it ended about an hour early. But that didn't happen until around 2 in the afternoon, so everything before that is kind of a blur.
Oh, and I have some news on the academic front. Remember that second physics midterm I took on Wednesday? 70/70. I actually got few extra-credit points too, but Dr. Poling wouldn't let anyone score more than a 100%. But hey, I'm not complaining. I would like to point out that three other people in the class received the same score, so contrary to popular belief I'm not the only one in that class who puts forth a lot of effort and does well.
After class and all I met the bando crew for dinner at Light House (because most other things were closed because of the Veterans' Day holiday). And from there we went to the basketball game, which for the most part I enjoyed.
I say "for the most part" because this weekend isn't turning out to be the best for me. I'm not sure if I mentioned or not that Dana - Kevin's girlfriend - is here visiting for the weekend from Berkeley. As a result, I'm spending both Friday and Saturday night elsewhere because Kevin prefers to have alone time with Dana so they can stay up late and do whatever without worrying about keeping me awake. As my band friends put it, I've been "sexiled." So that's fine. Kevin did give me plenty of advance notice, although I'm not sure whether I would ask him to sleep elsewhere if the situation were reversed. But anyway, last night I stayed in a certain band friend's room, whose roommate happens to be gone this weekend. So where am I staying tonight? Well, my certain band friend - having his roommate gone and all - also wants some alone time tonight with his girlfriend. Me? I'm being doubly sexiled; I'll be staying in another band friend's room. And there you have it. I don't blame any of them because I understand where they're coming from. But you can imagine that all of this moving around and trying to find someone who doesn't mind having me sleep over makes me feel like crap. I feel like a tagalong, perpetually in the way, a burden to be passed on to the next host. And it sucks.
I also came to the realization last night that I don't have any close friends here. There are people that I have fun doing things with from time to time, but I still don't feel attached to any of them. I don't feel like I would miss them if they were to move away. People call me up to do things now and then, so I guess I'm included in that respect. But so often it happens that I'm doing something I don't really want at all to be doing because that's what the group wants to do. Take last night: we wandered around campus taking random pictures of things, just for the sake of taking random pictures of things. As I'm typing this it sounds like that should have been something I would have enjoyed, but for some reason I didn't. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of the people I know here are much more into sex, alcohol, and drugs than I am, or at least they are much more vulgar/perverse than I would tend to be. I don't really know how to relate to them, and as a result I don't feel connected with these people. Nobody here knows me inside and out, nor do I know them. And it's tough to get to know them on a personal level (yes, I do realize that getting to know people takes effort on my part) because when we do have the opportunity to do that, most of them already have boyfriends/girlfriends to go and spend the quality time with. And I just tag along with whoever's left.
So, as you can see, all of these issue tie into the same underlying problem: I'm frickin' lonely, and I'm tired of it. And I know that I'm the one who needs to go out and either get to know these people better or find some new people to get to know, but I guess I'm just not very good at that.
I need to stop writing now, partly because I'm in a horrible mood and partly because I have to go get ready for the football game. (If Davis winds today and Poly loses, Poly is out of the championship race. Pray for that.) I'll talk to you all later, when I can find the time.
Cheers,
Josh
mood: not so great
music: Phil from next door singing in a falsetto voice along with whatever he's playing
location: dorm
So yeah, Friday was pretty miserable.
I did get a chance to nap after my physics lab, as it ended about an hour early. But that didn't happen until around 2 in the afternoon, so everything before that is kind of a blur.
Oh, and I have some news on the academic front. Remember that second physics midterm I took on Wednesday? 70/70. I actually got few extra-credit points too, but Dr. Poling wouldn't let anyone score more than a 100%. But hey, I'm not complaining. I would like to point out that three other people in the class received the same score, so contrary to popular belief I'm not the only one in that class who puts forth a lot of effort and does well.
After class and all I met the bando crew for dinner at Light House (because most other things were closed because of the Veterans' Day holiday). And from there we went to the basketball game, which for the most part I enjoyed.
I say "for the most part" because this weekend isn't turning out to be the best for me. I'm not sure if I mentioned or not that Dana - Kevin's girlfriend - is here visiting for the weekend from Berkeley. As a result, I'm spending both Friday and Saturday night elsewhere because Kevin prefers to have alone time with Dana so they can stay up late and do whatever without worrying about keeping me awake. As my band friends put it, I've been "sexiled." So that's fine. Kevin did give me plenty of advance notice, although I'm not sure whether I would ask him to sleep elsewhere if the situation were reversed. But anyway, last night I stayed in a certain band friend's room, whose roommate happens to be gone this weekend. So where am I staying tonight? Well, my certain band friend - having his roommate gone and all - also wants some alone time tonight with his girlfriend. Me? I'm being doubly sexiled; I'll be staying in another band friend's room. And there you have it. I don't blame any of them because I understand where they're coming from. But you can imagine that all of this moving around and trying to find someone who doesn't mind having me sleep over makes me feel like crap. I feel like a tagalong, perpetually in the way, a burden to be passed on to the next host. And it sucks.
I also came to the realization last night that I don't have any close friends here. There are people that I have fun doing things with from time to time, but I still don't feel attached to any of them. I don't feel like I would miss them if they were to move away. People call me up to do things now and then, so I guess I'm included in that respect. But so often it happens that I'm doing something I don't really want at all to be doing because that's what the group wants to do. Take last night: we wandered around campus taking random pictures of things, just for the sake of taking random pictures of things. As I'm typing this it sounds like that should have been something I would have enjoyed, but for some reason I didn't. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of the people I know here are much more into sex, alcohol, and drugs than I am, or at least they are much more vulgar/perverse than I would tend to be. I don't really know how to relate to them, and as a result I don't feel connected with these people. Nobody here knows me inside and out, nor do I know them. And it's tough to get to know them on a personal level (yes, I do realize that getting to know people takes effort on my part) because when we do have the opportunity to do that, most of them already have boyfriends/girlfriends to go and spend the quality time with. And I just tag along with whoever's left.
So, as you can see, all of these issue tie into the same underlying problem: I'm frickin' lonely, and I'm tired of it. And I know that I'm the one who needs to go out and either get to know these people better or find some new people to get to know, but I guess I'm just not very good at that.
I need to stop writing now, partly because I'm in a horrible mood and partly because I have to go get ready for the football game. (If Davis winds today and Poly loses, Poly is out of the championship race. Pray for that.) I'll talk to you all later, when I can find the time.
Cheers,
Josh
mood: not so great
music: Phil from next door singing in a falsetto voice along with whatever he's playing
location: dorm
