Thursday, March 17, 2005
Music of the Night
Got up this morning, played racquetball with Rosalie, watched some Friends, went to the career center with Courtney (so she could look for a job next quarter and I could get help writing a resume), practiced trumpet, went to Firestone with Courtney for dinner, watched Fight Club (because I just had to see it). And that's today in a nutshell.
Now, here's what I would really like to write about tonight. I'm not in a very good mood right now, and I think it's going to be a little difficult to describe why. I have been plagued by a problem as of late, and it isn't something I can solve...it's more of something that I have to deal with. I guess the root of it all is that I've been going through a lot of changes this quarter, and I'm not entirely sure I like the person I'm becoming.
Let me digress for a moment here. I have come to the conclusion that there are basically two ways to be a good person in this world. The first way is to not do anything bad...so no swearing, no complaining, no screwing over your friends, no mean thoughts about others, etc. according to whatever moral standard one happens to try to follow. I have great respect for people who can do this; I always have, and I always will. But I have recently become aware of another way to be a good person, and that is to actually go out and perform good acts: searching for and finding people who need help, and actually putting one's own life on hold to help them. The differences between these two ways may be subtle, but I believe it is substantial. The people who practice the second way become thoroughly involved in things, and the world is better off because they went through it. I have the highest respect for these people.
Now, back to me. I think I used to practice the first way described above, or at least I tried to. Unfortunately, due to all of the new influences that are now upon me, I am changing. Over the last few months I feel like I've lost a lot of the qualities that I feel made me a good person. I wish I could say that I am becoming a person who practices the second way above, but I don't really think that that's true. Everyone I meet is involved in so many things...they're all part of something...something that they care about deeply. They all have passions for things. And I can't really come up with anything that I have a passion for.
Do you have any idea how much TV I watch? Well, it's quite a lot, especially considering that half the people I know don't even have a TV in their room. And why is that? Because I have nothing else to do. I finish my classwork and am left with nothing. I fall in love with the characters in my shows, because I know they're always there for me, always faithful. How could they not be? I hold the remote! But in the end, they're fictional. So what am I left with?
I feel like I don't really have a purpose. I'm stuck in a big fat existential vacuum, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to want to do things, but I don't really want to do anything. I don't just feel bored; I feel boring. And I hate that. Maybe it's because I'm too scared to go out and try things. Regardless, I feel like everyone else is out living life, but I'm sitting in my room watching TV, with an occasional glance out the window to watch the world go by.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight. I'm not...you know...in tears or anything. I've just been mulling this over lately and tonight I was just overcome with the urge to write about it all. Thanks for reading...it does mean a lot to me for those of you from San Diego who still follow my daily *cough* musings.
I leave you with a quote that I stole from Courtney's facebook:
"I have known the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Josh
mood: uh, did you read anything at all above?
music: none...I am enjoying the quiet
location: an empty dormroom
PS - Due to popular demand, I have revised the commenting system of Living the SLO Life by upgrading to a haloscan account. I feel that this is a change for the better. However, all of the comments made on all of my previous entries have been lost as a result of this transition. Sorry about that.
Now, here's what I would really like to write about tonight. I'm not in a very good mood right now, and I think it's going to be a little difficult to describe why. I have been plagued by a problem as of late, and it isn't something I can solve...it's more of something that I have to deal with. I guess the root of it all is that I've been going through a lot of changes this quarter, and I'm not entirely sure I like the person I'm becoming.
Let me digress for a moment here. I have come to the conclusion that there are basically two ways to be a good person in this world. The first way is to not do anything bad...so no swearing, no complaining, no screwing over your friends, no mean thoughts about others, etc. according to whatever moral standard one happens to try to follow. I have great respect for people who can do this; I always have, and I always will. But I have recently become aware of another way to be a good person, and that is to actually go out and perform good acts: searching for and finding people who need help, and actually putting one's own life on hold to help them. The differences between these two ways may be subtle, but I believe it is substantial. The people who practice the second way become thoroughly involved in things, and the world is better off because they went through it. I have the highest respect for these people.
Now, back to me. I think I used to practice the first way described above, or at least I tried to. Unfortunately, due to all of the new influences that are now upon me, I am changing. Over the last few months I feel like I've lost a lot of the qualities that I feel made me a good person. I wish I could say that I am becoming a person who practices the second way above, but I don't really think that that's true. Everyone I meet is involved in so many things...they're all part of something...something that they care about deeply. They all have passions for things. And I can't really come up with anything that I have a passion for.
Do you have any idea how much TV I watch? Well, it's quite a lot, especially considering that half the people I know don't even have a TV in their room. And why is that? Because I have nothing else to do. I finish my classwork and am left with nothing. I fall in love with the characters in my shows, because I know they're always there for me, always faithful. How could they not be? I hold the remote! But in the end, they're fictional. So what am I left with?
I feel like I don't really have a purpose. I'm stuck in a big fat existential vacuum, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to want to do things, but I don't really want to do anything. I don't just feel bored; I feel boring. And I hate that. Maybe it's because I'm too scared to go out and try things. Regardless, I feel like everyone else is out living life, but I'm sitting in my room watching TV, with an occasional glance out the window to watch the world go by.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight. I'm not...you know...in tears or anything. I've just been mulling this over lately and tonight I was just overcome with the urge to write about it all. Thanks for reading...it does mean a lot to me for those of you from San Diego who still follow my daily *cough* musings.
I leave you with a quote that I stole from Courtney's facebook:
"I have known the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Josh
mood: uh, did you read anything at all above?
music: none...I am enjoying the quiet
location: an empty dormroom
PS - Due to popular demand, I have revised the commenting system of Living the SLO Life by upgrading to a haloscan account. I feel that this is a change for the better. However, all of the comments made on all of my previous entries have been lost as a result of this transition. Sorry about that.
